Dating and Hand Grenades Q & A                                          

"Compromising Positions"                                                         

By Ché Rippinger    

As seen in the Castle Rock Daily Star

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            Q: What do you do in a relationship when you both can’t get to a compromise on something that is important? My boyfriend and I both respect each other’s side, but can’t come to terms on some things that are important to both of us. --Compromising?

            A: There is a messy washable chalk line between giving in and giving up. At an impasse, it’s drawn somewhere between the “I don’t care” issues and your “Non-Negotiable” ones.

            Let’s say your dilemma is whether to see a movie together.  No big deal, right? How about if it’s a flick with your favorite hunky actor…and your best friend is a film extra. Your Mr. Special wants to see the latest blow-‘em-up action movie instead, because he hears the ocean chase scene ends with the coolest explosion ever shot. There’s only time for one choice. Is this worth compromising on? You bet.

            Relationships require a lot of mutual work and concessions. And newsflash:  that “work” never gets completely “done.” 

            Since that movie selection is only a mild impasse, it’s a good chance to practice your negotiating skills. If your art house movie means more to you than his action flick does to him, propose a deal. Agree that if you see your film tonight, you’ll watch his when it comes to video. In return, he gets first choice for the next event. So, even if you despise rented shoes, you may have to go to couple’s bowling therapy. Make sure to keep your word and make good on the deal. Don’t worry, they have Lysol and serve beer.

            But of course, movie night may be the farthest thing from an important issue. Maybe the ex-monster is battling for your child’s sole custody and you need to devote both your vacation funds and time to the cause.

            A heart to heart is the best way to go about it. Get out a pencil and paper and grab a chair. Write down all the pros and cons. Write down as many sides of the issue and brainstorm on solutions. After flushing everything you can think of, it’s prime time for some mutually respective dialoging.

            If you are deeply involved with each other, then you are deeply concerned with the other person’s issues. It may be troubling if your love interest takes a different side then you. But it’s always preferable to know what each other’s views and values are, even if they differ. Especially if they differ.

            It’s a cakewalk to gush over stuff you both have in common. But try meshing differences, and it’s much more challenging. You have to decide your own personal goals, first.  Then you see what his objectives are. In the end, you’ll find that learning the balance of give and take together is a necessity for the overall good of your relationship.     

            It may mean some compromise position bending.  But with a little tact, diplomacy and thought...you can (almost) have it all.  Good luck Gumby!

            Ché Rippinger is a writer, cartoonist and relationship humorist with a heart. Please e-mail questions to Che@DatingAndHandGrenades.com or visit online at www.DatingAndHandGrenades.com  Questions cannot be answered individually, but may be selected and edited for the column.