Dating and Hand Grenades Q&A                                           

Holding the Phone                                                                    

By Ché Rippinger   
 

As seen in the Castle Rock Daily Star

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            Q: I think it's rude for a guy to ask you to "hold" while he takes another call. I can understand if it's important for business, but actually think it is rude. What should I do when a guy does that?
 –Waiting for Manners

            A: You’d think that with all our advanced forms of communication, we’d excel at it.  Cell phones, BlackBerries, instant messaging, oh my! They’ve made most of us worse.  We have so many things begging for our immediate attention, it’s hard to separate the urgent from the important.

            I liken your situation to a store customer.  If you walk in the door, you take preference over those who call.  My library does it well. They put me on hold and explain that I’ll need to wait momentarily for the people standing there. That way, I get considerately put into the cue, instead of “cutting in line.” 

            Who can resist picking up a ringing phone?  We’re not like our grandparents.  We know that “they” might not call back, even if it’s important.  But they could leave a voice mail, with an urgent delivery alert.

            Unfortunately, call waiting has become the new distracting demon.  If a telemarketer calls, you don’t want to lose the opportunity of your friend getting through, with concert tickets to a sold out show. Or if the boss calls, and your butt is on the line.  There might even be a real emergency, like a hospital call.

            Let’s assume that his other call interruptions aren’t life threatening.  If you’re bold, yet considerate, your mention might go like this:  “Perhaps I caught you at a bad time.  The interruption is a bit distracting for me.  If you’d like, you can call me back when the distractions are a little less.” The trick is to not bite or nag.  A snide tone will ring with insincerity.

            If he’s polite in receiving your subtle remark, you could be on your way. If not, you might have to hit him upside the psyche with the reality check ruler.  Tell him that it makes you feel like you’re not important.  Unless we’re told outright, we sometimes don’t realize that our actions cause adverse reactions in others.

            It’s good to ask for what you want, and request it kindly.  Remember the golden rule: play nice with others. Then you won’t have to make up apology points.

            Appreciating when someone is polite also helps perpetuate nice behavior. Just like dog training, we all like praise and acknowledgement when we’re getting it right. The trick is to use it for the little and big stuff.  You didn’t roll from your crib into the Boston Marathon. You had to crawl, then wobble, walk and fall down. But if someone cheered you on, you got up a lot faster to try again.

            Tell your partner that you love it when he greets you at the door instead of yelling from the couch, “It’s open!” because it makes you feel really special. Your true compliment sets a precedent and a positive pattern. You noticed that he did something for you—and you said something about it.  We appreciate a lot of things.  When we let others know, it makes both parties feel significant.

            Remember: You matter.  He matters.  The other line? Probably not.

Ché Rippinger is a writer, cartoonist and relationship humorist with a heart. Please e-mail questions to Che@DatingAndHandGrenades.com or visit online at www.DatingAndHandGrenades.com  Questions cannot be answered individually, but may be selected and edited for the column.

Dating and Hand Grenades Q&A                                            

"Roomie—Not Relationship"                                                       

By Ché Rippinger      

©All materials are copyrighted and cannot be used without prior and expressed written permission from Che' Rippinger.
Please contact for usage.                                                                

            Q: I live with a male roommate who I’m good friends with. I thought that it was supposed to be platonic, but one night after a friend’s party he put the moves on me. I don’t know how we’re going to live under the same roof after that. –Friends with rent benefits

            A: Uh oh. Sounds like a “When Harry Met Sally” movie moment went the other direction. So it sounds like he took you by surprise and you weren’t interested.  Now you’ve got a couple of choices. One is to blow it off and pretend that it never happened. Chances are it was something he was thinking, but it might have been the liquor talking. That’s the easy and cheesy way out.

            For a more adult solution and to perhaps preserve a friendship you want to keep, you might want to have “The Talk.” Because that’s just what a guy wants to hear (not).

            You could start by making him feel comfortable. Say something nice. But don’t start with, “I like you as a friend.” That’s an ego bruiser, no guy wants to hear, even if it is true.

            Proceed to asking him about the night in question—without the grill marks. If he makes it seem like it was nothing, then maybe it was. Or maybe he’s trying to save face. Let him. He’s off the hook and so are you.

            But if it’s obvious or he actually tells you that he has feelings for you, then you need to know what you want to do.  Are you interested in trying to date him? If so, it may be a little hard living under the same roof unless you immediately agree to be monogamous.  If it doesn’t work, which one of you has to go?

            Of course, you might both agree that a relationship isn’t in the cards, but want to play the “Roomies with Bennies” card. Careful, Playa: this could be final answer territory for your friendship. Is the opportunity of sex worth losing your buddy over?

            Oh, and be safe if you go down that road. I have a friend who lived with and then dated her roommate. They have a child now. But the math worked out, as it was a life surprise that they are both happy about.

            There is a possibility to continue living together without dating or having sexual sparks fly. You both need to set some guidelines of what will work for each of you. If you parade around in his boxers and a tiny T, then good luck getting his hormones under the cruelty radar. Likewise, if he turns into the hot repairman when fixing your car.

            Basically, the talk and the agreement that you work out together now will help direct future actions. Just watch those after hours when alcohol is maximized and your brain cells are on holiday!

Ché Rippinger is a writer, cartoonist and relationship humorist with a heart. Please e-mail questions or comments to Che@DatingAndHandGrenades.com or visit online at www.DatingAndHandGrenades.com.  Questions may be selected and edited for the column.